Christians: How Not to be Flying Monkeys for Predators

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Not contributing to abuse is difficult these days. Not only does one have to be slightly more nuanced when interpreting others, but must actually do something constructive occasionally. Gone are the days when one could just sit back, relax and let group think do the difficult work whether it be finding witches, evaluating sexual harassment claims or reminding victims of crimes that we have all moved on—without them.

Jokes aside, most of us are not the kind of people who would knowingly help someone abuse another person. And yet, enough of us are used to do just this by predators whether we play a large or small part in the abuser’s demented symphony. Using others to help abuse another person or do one’s dirty work is a common strategy for predators, narcissists or other abusive individuals. It keeps them from being accountable, or getting caught and it allows them to continue their abuse as long as possible.

A “flying monkey” is a person who is used as a tool, extension or resource of the types of people mentioned above to optimize the level of abuse, control and protection of the abuser at the expense of the target. Most flying monkeys do not even realize they are being used this way. They think they are just being a “supportive friend,” “good Christian,” following orders, or bending rules to return a favor. And, predators manipulate. They will take one’s morals, values and intuitions about people and hijack them. They love “nice” people. They will attempt to make you believe you are doing the right thing, helping them defeat evil, helping them punish someone who has wronged them, helping them mend a relationship, or helping a sinner find grace and forgiveness. When the predator gets in trouble, they will lead you to vouch for them while believing you are just being there for a friend, or they will play the sympathy card to have you spy on, humiliate, ostracize or force a target to return to the abuser over and over again. You will intimidate and pressure the target into not resisting further abuse.

And yet, we ask ourselves, why do predators get away with severely injuring so many people for so long? Ex) Men who molest boys average 150 victims before they are caught (Ken Wooden, 2014). In the end, the answer is two-fold: 1) Because a predatory individual knows how to manipulate the target and those around them, and 2) because the rest of us let them continue their abuse unchecked. A predator is able to thrive in contexts where they have minimal or any consequences for their behavior (which usually starts out minor) and are able to successfully isolate the targets they select. If you, your family, church or organization knows they have an individual facing extended abuse still, then you have not sufficiently communicated to the predator that you will not stand for their behavior or made them sufficiently accountable.

In sum, predators may not have empathy, but they understand it and will use it. They will make you think they have empathy for you, their precious monkey, and their beloved, even if unwilling, target and then get you to turn on others for them. While they tell you what an amazing person you are, they will also bombard you with messages direct and indirect about a certain person they are after and make it sound like they are concerned, worried, or confused as to why the person wants to stay the hell away from them. They will portray themselves as well-meaning, jilted or wronged in some way. You will feel so sorry for them and wonder why their beloved target wants nothing to do with them. They will try and get you to see their behavior towards this person as innocent, generous, non-creepy or non-obsessive…etc. I don’t know why she overreacted that way to me. I am just a friendly inclusive person/like to give hugs/have that personality. And of course, they kept trying to give the “hugs” to the target even though they were unwanted. But you need not worry, the predator is “long suffering” and will not give up on their target.

Of course, most normal people do not go through excessive lengths to build network connections and friendships around targets just so that they can abuse, destroy or pick off a particular individual, but predators do. Know their behavior. And do not be their flying monkey at church, work, home, online...anywhere where you and people exist.

What Predators Do

Put simply, a predator will: 1) select a target, 2) groom them &/or their environment to accept the abuse, 3) isolate or entrap their target so they can’t escape, 4) then change the relationship with their target to be more overtly cruel and 5) maintain control as long as possible or until they get bored and reset the process with a new target. For a recent example involving a prominent pastor of a church, check out my paper on theology and abuse here.

A target is typically selected because: 1) They have something the predator wants (they may be attractive in some way, their “type,” highly skilled, a social obstacle or any number of things. Usually whatever it is it comes down to the predator’s need for a power trip whether it is a small, vulnerable child or an adult who is unprotected and down on their luck. 2) The predator believes s/he may get away with exploiting them either because the target looks like they will not put up a fight &/or the context won’t. Does this person have high self-esteem? Do they look like they will have adults, supervisors, peers, coworkers, other church members who will defend them or who they could go to if something goes wrong? If they like the target, can the predator cut them off from support channels long enough? Time to see.

Next, the predator will test the waters. They will have already extensively ingratiated themselves to the target and community through favors, flattery, or becoming some sort of pillar of the community. They will have peppered the target with compliments, appear to help them, try and fill a void in their life all while sneaking in some not so nice things just to see what they will do. It might be a slightly off comment or it might be some slightly inappropriate touching (i.e. brushing up against a knee). If they are not confronted on these little power plays by either the target, the group, adults or leadership, but get away with them, they will proceed and escalate. Depending on the target’s context, it may not matter if the target resisted if the adults in charge give them unlimited access regardless of protestations. The key is: will they be stopped? No? Perfect.

Still, intermixed with the beginning abuse or slight off or inappropriate behavior will be little “niceties” to confuse the target and those watching. I.e. the stranger does not just tell the kid to get into the car, but offers the child candy. Gifts and compliments may be given publicly to communicate how nice the predator is. The gifts can also function to gaslight the target or individuals who might be on to them or showing visible resistance to recent abusive activity. Doing these things publicaly also helps ensure compliance and communicates to the target that everyone else already knows how wonderful the predator is. Key here is that gifts function to deceive and control.

Problem: To continue the metaphor of strangers bearing gifts: Essentially we tell the target “Why didn’t you go in the car with him when offered you candy!!?” Or, “Yeah, that person keeps following you with his car and telling you to get in, but he must be nice because he offered you a candy.” We the community point to the gifts and tell the target how nice the predator is being and that they should really give them a chance never mind the gifts are unwanted and given in the context of creepy or abusive behavior. In the end, the gifts are not so nice when they function to deceive/cloud their unsavery behavior to the wider community, there are strings attached or they are used as instruments of control.

Problem: Further, many of us in the church are conflict avoidant, heap blame on victims telling or treating them like they are making a big deal out of nothing, have problems with “forgiveness,” “grace,” just have an “interpersonal conflict,” or ourselves ignore these little power plays as insignificant or easily explained away thus giving the predator the green light. They will not be challenged any time soon.

Problem: Already and possibly before overt abuse occurs, the context will often not have basic accountability structures in place, will likely have conflict avoidant or enabling types in gate-keeping positions, or may have a top down authority structure. The basic principle is: Can someone easily move into the context as it is, do something horrible and get away with it if they are well positioned in the community? Ex) Someone in a position of authority who does not have to answer as much to outside forces can easily exploit those below him or her.

Next, the predator will ensure all escape routes for the target are cut off. In the wild, the animal that is not with the pack gets eaten and predatory animals will strategically try and isolate one animal from the pack so they can be eaten. The same holds true here. They will have created networks of trust in themselves (usually built off of flattery, lies and easy favors) around the target and will start to ensure that these same people will not help or believe the target or anyone who defends them. They may lie about the target so that others have an unfavorable opinion of them, use theology, the Bible or leadership to ensure compliance if they show signs of trying to escape, or may get the target to feel guilty for X so that they do not go for help.

Problem: At this stage many of us have accepted the predator as trustworthy and the target as “the problem.” We have already come to believe that the predator likes/understands us, has our best interest in mind and really, many of us have already displayed tendencies of avoiding conflict. It is unlikely we will help someone in distress. Instead, we will tell them to forgive or that it is all in their head. Maybe we perceive the target as evil because they say negative things about our “friend” or “pastor.”

Progressively, the predator will become worse and worse with their abuse whether physical, psychological or using the group to punish the individual. The lies will get worse. The physical activity will escalate. The group itself will get more hostile towards “the known problem.” Escape routes have been managed and they can keep up the abuse for a while since no one will do anything substantial enough to end the behavior.

Problem: The group has by now accepted new norms towards the target. Anything goes. The target will also by now have long been exhibiting signs of trauma which may further confirm the predator’s narrative that they are unstable, unkind, someone to avoid/not listen to or take seriously…etc. Leadership that is not doing the predatory (many predators are in positions of power) activity may have already taken several disciplinary actions towards the target, endorsed/supported the minor or major power moves of the abusive individual or firmly established in their behavior that they will not be helping the person targeted in any significant way.

The predator will keep going until checks and balances start to appear and until those around them stop overtly tolerating their behavior or giving them slaps on the wrist instead. Eventually people may start to realize that their treatment of person X is a bit excessive and perhaps some of the predators hidden face behind the mask will start to appear or maybe they go too far one time? Once they think they will be found out or get bored they will move on to another target or another context to start everything all over again.

Unfortunately, the sick part of this entire situation is that it is not just about what predators do but how the rest of us often maintain the control of the predator and ourselves create an abusive environment. It is bad enough for the target to have a creepy person after them, but worse when everyone lets it happen, supports their efforts or exhibits marginalizing behavior towards the target. While processing abuse they may be told by the rest of us that abuse is not occurring because the idea of it makes us uncomfortable. Implication being: the rest of us were fooled, we are not the church/organization/people we thought we were, or we may have to do something uncomfortable for us.

How Not to be a Flying Monkey

So, above is what predators do. We know its bad. I don’t think I need to bore you with tons of Scripture telling you abuse, lies, deception and not caring for people exploited by others is wrong. But where does that leave you when you are in the middle of everything? When you have already been excessively flattered, given gifts and are not sure what to believe when an accusation is brought against someone you just know is an amazing person? After all, they were there for you at X time, talk about the Bible a lot, say they are _____ kind of person and ______ kind of person wouldn’t intentionally harm another person…etc.

A flying monkey is someone who does the villain’s bidding. Another reason the predator has built up extensive network connections of people who will love them is that they want you to 1) Keep the target under control (ex: the Pastor who tries to convince the battered wife to return home from the shelter), 2) Marginalize or ostracize the target so that the predator can get X—marginalization takes a community, 3) Attack the target for them so that they do not get caught as easily, and finally 4) so that you will defend the predator should any evidence come to light. You will jump in with character references, declarations to the target that the predator has been nothing but kind to them so they should shut up or will bend the rules to ensure they do not get held accountable.

You might be a flying monkey and do not know it if: you are constantly taking the path of least resistance in “interpersonal conflicts,” are insecure, you are distancing yourself or helping to ice out someone in your community you were warned about or “who deserves it,” get irritated with someone insisting on consequences or who is always complaining about stuff happening to them, are spreading gossip or rumors, you are in charge & someone under you is still being harassed months or years after making you aware of the problem, you are a human, your boss keeps calling you “my pretty” and sending you out on air raids.

In that vein, here are just some suggestions on how not to be or become their flying monkey!

  • Do a background check before you become their monkey. Mark Driscoll has started a new church….guess what isn’t on his CV. Another way to look at it: Does the person you are hiring or a volunteer working with certain populations (i.e. children) have a history? Does the person accused of bullying have a history of demonizing others at his or her other jobs/departments? Were you 100% convinced X was evil the last time they had you turn on X person and now they want you to turn on person Y.

  • Do not further marginalize the target. It takes a villaige to marginalize. People excuse themselves very readily by saying they do not have to be the target’s “best friend” while they at varying levels ice them out and are buddy buddy with the predator further isolating the target. Worse, all too often when targets come forward about what happened to them the community is too quick to try and silence them and pile on guilt and gas-lighting in order to restore the “peace.”

    A community marginalizes the target further when they retain the predator as the pillar of the community whether it be by keeping him or her in leadership/positions of power over the target (formal or informal), as gatekeepers or orchestrators of community events. It is also done by failing to actively reintegrate and support the target after public damage was done to their reputations. These are instances of the community reinforcing the predator’s narrative and maintaining their power. It functionally cuts off the target from community involvement even as predators or well wishers maintain they are “always welcome.” It also functions to shift responsibility from the community to the target.

  • Don’t spy for the predator. Do not share person information about others even out of “concern” or listen to others who excessively bad mouth others or particular individuals. Other people’s business is other people’s business. If your new “friend” who just so happened to attach themselves to you after you interacted with the target wants to know this or that about them, or appears a bit preoccupied with what they are doing, don’t tell them anything. It is none of their business. Do not help the predator keep tabs on this or that person because the target is “up to no good.” You are helping them control and intimidate and creating an additional hostile environment for the target.

  • Respect boundaries. Do not guilt trip targets who are uncomfortable about body contact, gifts, or other unwanted displays of affection. Do not try and convince the wife to return home to her abusive husband from the shelter because he had a conversation or is really really sorry and means it this time and we should forgive…etc. Note too that the predator (or narcissist) will become enraged if they cannot control their target physically or mentally and will very quickly enlist you to keep them in line or punish them for attempting to escape.

    Be very wary of public displays of affection from former predators towards targets. They are usually unwanted, but not easily turned down. After all, you will remind the target directly or indirectly that the predator has been so very nice and that they are being rude or ungrateful. Worse yet, maybe the predator made it a community affair—of course channeled through them—and you even signed the card or pitched in to remind the target that you and the predator have their best interest at heart.

  • Take reports seriously. Most reports of sexual abuse do not happen. That is, the reports themselves are never made. When reports are made, most of the time they are real and come after the abuse has become unbearable and the person is at their breaking point. If you are in leadership investigate that matter and do not stack the deck with “friends” of the predator even if you “know” so and so would never do such a thing. Is there evidence to take action against a predator? In the mean time, protect the target! Keep them away from the predator. Do not give the predator access to the target even if they are playing nice for a while (hint: they know what you want to see and may act accordingly for a while). And, just because there is not enough evidence to convict or punish a person, this does not mean there is not enough evidence to keep someone being harmed away from danger. Do not give them access even if they are pretending to be best buds with their target. Patterned behavior does not disappear over night and even if the target seems to be ok with it, they often have to be to keep themselves safe from you.

  • Context: Smear Campaign. Do not act out against another person when you hear gossip or possible lies. Get to know and talk to the other person before making a decision. Hear both sides of the story. Is one person constantly warning you about person X and person X just tries to stay away from them and doesn’t speak poorly of others? At the very least be a good neighbor and do not spread bad things or reports about others that you do not know are true even if someone you “trust” says it. I had someone recently (about a year or two ago?) pepper me with tons of very weird over the top compliments they thought I wanted to hear over several days. Next moment they wanted to warn me about person X and get me to agree with them! They would also publicaly say nice things about their teaching abilities and then try and turn me against them in private. Yikes and a 1/2!

    If you are in leadership investigate claims before talking to person X about bad behavior that may or may not exist. Be suspicious of spurious reports if person X is already known to be targeted by someone. Context matters. Also note that in many cases you will be dealing with a mob of people the predator is using and hiding behind. You will have lots of people convinced person X is evil and after a while person X will start appearing “unhinged” with sleep deprevation and psychological torture if it has been months or years. Look for patterns. Are the accusations starting out ambiguous or over the top? Is the person accused an outsider?

    On the flip side, if you hear a report and do your due diligence and find it to be accurate…Surprise! The person we hired has left several other institutions in financial ruin, has a history of making serious accusations against others that turn out untrue, have criminal backgrounds involving rape…etc. Get involved now. Not later.

  • Hold people accountable for their actions. If a person gets caught in the act do not listen to their sad story about this being their first time, they are so embarrassed, they didn’t know what they were doing/not in control of their faculties, its not what it looks like. Have them answer for it. They will be very persuasive and convincing, this is not their first time & even if it is, it really should be their last! Your tendency will want to project your own sense of empathy and human compassion onto them: You wouldn’t do such and such unless it was an accident…you would want someone to give you the benefit of the doubt…etc. They are not you.

    The predator will tell lots of lies. They will say X. X will not be true. Hold them to it. Or maybe they manipulated and got caught: maybe they told one person one thing and another something different in order to play them against each other. Do not try and come up with elaborate reasons for why a boldface lie is not a lie. Do not come up with some crack pot/pop psychological explanation to explain their lie away: i.e. they just tell lots of lies and manipulate people without knowing it! It takes mental energy to say something obviously untrue and to manipulate others. They said they had $100,000 in the bank and they really had $1000. They just forgot a few zeros? Yes, they are doing it on purpose. Do not explain it away, make them answer for it. Put their sin in the light i.e. expose it and be a just person. Expose it so that it can’t keep happening and they can’t keep getting away with it.

  • Don’t be conflict avoidant. Similar to the above. Predators absolutely love conflict avoidant leadership and people. It is a free pass to do whatever they want. You may have this hope that being quiet, giving into their demands, siding with the predator in conversation against the target even in a small way (to show you are being fair or not taking sides) will make the tension go away. It won’t. They will excellerate their activity and do it again and again. You have just rewarded them and they are pleased with their new pet.

  • Recognize your own susceptibility to group think. You are a human. You have mirror neurons. We pick up subtle cues from the people around us and make decisions based off of how we see other people acting. We notice that everyone seems to discount person X? Without even thinking about it, we are likely to engage in it to if we do not pay close attention. A predatory individual will utilize non-verbals to convey what they want you to believe about the target sometimes without saying a word. If you do not think you are susceptible to non-verbals then you may be less politically savvy than you think you are. Perfect.

    The predator will also try to hijack group think by simultaneously collecting a large number of people who will think they are an incredible human being by being super nice to them so that they can target that one person or group. That way, you and the merry band will quickly inform the target of abuse that X person has been nothing but wonderful to you aka “shut up!” or that they should let the past be the past when they go to you for help or confide their legitimate fears in you. You will feel pretty good about yourself too while you cut off yet another escape hatch for the target.

  • Be secure in yourself. I.e. build up a strong sense of self so you are not constantly afraid or insecure about your own place in the community that you readily attach yourself to otherwise transparently predatory, abusive or narcissistic characters. It will also mean that you will not be swayed by this next tactic.

  • Be wary of excessive, unearned flattery. Predatory individuals know you like you and that you like people who see you as the amazing person you know yourself to be. They are also good at picking out insecurities in others and controlling them with flattery. They know just what you want or need to hear. Ever notice your new friend who keeps saying you are AMAZING—keeps repeating the word amazing—over and over again? You handed them a pencil and now you are the savior of the world! A wonderful giving saint!? …should go without saying and so I will end here. ;)

The Incarnation & The Iconoclast: A Theological Framework of Hope in the Midst of Suffering & Abuse

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This last weekend I gave a paper at CATA’s 2018 conference in Toronto Canada. Below is just a snippet before we load the recording onto the Split Frame of Reference Podcast.

The Incarnation & The Iconoclast:

A Theological Framework of Hope in the Midst of Suffering & Abuse

Surviving chronic abuse, especially in a Christian context, can be disillusioning and disorienting—much like existing in “the room” from C.S. Lewis’ That Hideous Strength. On the surface the room may seem normal, and yet if one pays attention, he or she will notice it is ill-proportioned, if not designed to gradually condition one to accept the distortion as what a room ought to be. Initially one sees that the room is off, but “near enough to the true to deceive you for a moment” but off kilter enough to “go on teasing the mind even after the deception” is unmasked.[1] If one continues probing one sees the room is not just ill-proportioned, but has several distorted, if not disturbing details. In a similar way, abuse functions to do more than injure and destroy, it seeks to remake reality and warp images and perceptions. One fighting to survive abuse finds that not only must they fend off a constant assault on one’s identity as coercive tactics are employed to ensure the abuser’s distortions are “made reality” i.e. felt in real time and space with maximal control, but the distortion may also be internalized and maintained by others as accepted reality. Both the target and Christian community will need all of its biblical and theological resources to resist this false and damaging reality if they are to live out their calling as image bearers and to borrow a phrase from a book title, “push back the dark.”[2]

Abuse becomes more complicated when intermixed with classic manipulative and abusive tactics are appeals to the example of Christ, catch-words, such as “forgiveness,” “grace,” and “submission.” The experience of abuse is also made more difficult by bizarre expectations that those experiencing various (and often prolonged) attacks just “move on,” be more “positive,” or less “selfish” from the community at large. These concepts are frequently, if not regularly, out of place and used in oversimplified ways—especially as it relates to Scripture. The result? It is implicitly or explicitly communicated that the target should not be concerned about their own self-respect, dignity, well-being or need for healing from damage done to them. Rather, it is the abusive individual’s voice that must be heard, his or her perceptions and feelings and the group’s sense of equilibrium that must be religiously guarded, at all costs as it was with the infamous cases involving Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll, the Southern Baptist Convention and the past actions of Willow Creek.

In this brief presentation I will be offering a particular way of approaching abuse theologically by considering it in the framework of iconoclasm, the incarnation and the imago dei. I will simultaneously be countering some of the harmful misuses of scriptural concepts used to continue the abuse of power by offering a different theological framework or particular theology from which to understand suffering, abuse and bold resistance. As support I will be drawing from the doctrine of theosis and Christus Victor models of atonement as well as the language of the Seventh Ecumenical Council. This beginning of a constructive theology will be developed around two figures: the iconoclast (one who abuses, whether structural or personal) and the incarnation, and our participation in them. This venture will involve arriving at an understanding of Christ’s and one’s own identity through narrative placement.[3] 

The Incarnation and The Iconoclast

“Let there be light.” The Anastasis icon meets us in a burst of uncreated light as the Incarnation descends down into the darkness of Hades parting the earth as though it were the Red Sea and shattering the gates of the underworld. In a moment we are caught up in the transfiguration as we see him for who he is—the Incarnation—our hope and life—yet still wrapped in the dark mystery that is God signified by the gradation of blue surrounding him. With nail pierced hands reminding us of his bloody struggle, he grabs Adam and Eve, drawing them up out of their graves towards himself to follow him in resurrection freedom. “Christ is depicted not as the victim of mortality and evil, but as the victorious Son of God, clothed in glory, who by death has conquered death, and has released those who have been held captive.” The Devil is bound and “the darkness of Hades has been filled with light.”[4]

Colossians 1:13-14 describes those who are in Christ as persons who are “rescued from the domain of darkness,” and transferred into the kingdom of the Son in whom we have redemption and forgiveness. And this is possible because the Son is the “image,” the perfect and natural icon, “of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him (vv. 15-16).” The Incarnation, the Son, who is fully God yet differentiated from the Father and Holy Spirit, is the one by whom creatures, those “other” than God, were created, are being held together in God’s ongoing creative act (Col 1:17), and through whom they are recreated. He is firstborn of creation because he is the destined Lord over creation and he is the one through whom all of creation will be brought to completion. The Incarnation lifts us up, not just out of the grave, but also up to himself to become like him. As those made in the image of God and rescued by the Incarnation we are called to be creative agents of liberation and representations of God in the world. 

The Incarnation is the basis for reconciliation (Col 1:20-23). The Incarnation, the perfect human who cried tears of blood from stress, was crushed by the weight of the cross and died. Reconciliation through a “fleshly body.” He entered into our darkness to rescue us from an “alienated and hostile mind” and “evil deeds,” bringing us hope (Col 1:21-23). And, the Incarnation chose to dwell (or tabernacle) among humans as one who stepped in on behalf of those who were marginalized and exploited by society by eating with and openly associating himself with them while calling to account those who claimed holiness yet exploited others. And he demonstrated God’s heart for humanity by becoming impoverished, humiliated, and abused. His sacrifice in the flesh and opening the gates of Hades is a call into perfect love in him. Having been lifted from the grave into resurrection life, the church is called to enter into the dark with the light of Christ, exposing and binding evil wherever we find it to set the captives free. We are called to recognize and respect the image of Christ within us as we endure unrelenting and unimaginable suffering and respect other image bearers who are as well.

The destiny of a person and humanity are wrapped up in the incarnation, the perfect and natural icon of God, the template and telos for all creation who enables us to live out our purpose to love out of a “pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”[5] Human beings were created to represent God on the earth, to be in relationship with God, the world and one another. Put differently, God gave “his face to Adam and Eve,” to us, “so that—individually and collectively—[we] may become his icon[s] within the cosmos.”[6] Individuals only truly become themselves when they can accurately see the face of Christ in their reflection. To bear the “image” of God means one has the potential to grow into the “likeness” of Christ, and ultimately be united with God.

            And what of the Iconoclast? The incarnation and the iconoclast represent two polarizing yet unequal figures: the first is creative and life giving and the other, destructive yet disconnected from the source of creative life and destined to fade with time. The Iconoclast is a figure representing a power: whether personal, institutional or mob. Functionally, they may be bullies at work, abusive individuals at home or church, oppressive systems or to a lesser extent, merely cogs or a group identity that has taken on a life of its own transcending any individual identity. In the end, the iconoclast does not value human beings as made in the image of God and in turning away from “the other,” the iconoclast turns from his or her own purpose.

            At its core, an iconoclast worships a false image of his or herself and despises the image of God in others and attempts to smash the image of Christ in others or recast that image into one of distortion. In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., “...for the individual who hates, the beautiful becomes ugly, and the ugly becomes beautiful. The true becomes false, and the false becomes true. The evil becomes good, and the good becomes evil.”[7]An iconoclast sets what he or she perceives as the self in the place of God, having rejected the divine image within themselves and others and in doing so puts him or herself in opposition to the Incarnation and his purposes. The abuse of power, among other things, is a pervasive form of idolatry. The abuse of one dearly loved and valued by God, and bears his image, is a life orientation that is sacrilegious at its core.

Reframing Abuse

In order to resist the iconoclast, one must be able to identify “him” or even one’s own dark shadow, that piece of the self that eludes consciousness and if recognized would lead to the understanding that one is less good than perceived. All that is not of God, must be brought to light and exposed before it can be converted. Part of one’s call as made in the image of God in the context of sin is to expose those dark corners, those ill-proportions of “the room” for what they are so that they can be offered to the Lord and then transformed. Part of this process of offering means reframing the iconoclast’s narrative, discerning it as a negation of the good and seeing oneself and the “other” as made in the image of God—as beings worth fighting and dying for, rather than a necessary sacrifice to the false self. One must see abuse not as a one-time “slip up,” nor a “sin” to be excused or left unspoken, but a pervasive pattern of idolatrous rebellion against the Incarnation and all that he stands for. With that said, we now turn to part of our corporate shadow.


[1] C.S. Lewis, That Hideous Strength, 294-295.

[2] A phrase taken from the title of Elizabeth M. Altmaier’s book, Push Back the Dark: Companioning Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.

[3]Richard B. Hays, “Reading the Bible with the Eyes of Faith: The Practice of Theological Exegesis,” Journal of Theological Interpretation 1.1 (2007). Francis Watson, Text, Church and World: Biblical Interpretation in Theological Perspective (Grand Rapids: MI: Eerdmans, 1994).

[4] John Baggley, Festival Icons for the Christian Year, St. Vladimir’s Press, 122.

[5] 1 Timothy 1:4 NIV

[6] Daniela C Augustine, The Image of God in an Image Driven Age: Explorations in Theological Anthropology, 176.

[7] MLK 7 March 1961, 427

———

This was a unique experiment for me and if I am honest, a little uncomfortable because it represents the tip of an ice berg involving tons of exegesis, nearly 25 years of conscious theological reflection wrestling with at least three realities: 1) God is immeasurably good, personal and everywhere with us, 2) the reality that evil and abuse exists, and 3) the deep desire and draw—almost like a siren’s call—to become more like Christ. These realities were highly ingrained from an early age from my reading and interpreting of copious amounts of Scripture, experiences of the Spirit forming my character confronting me with the goodness he gave me along with the bad, later reading the church fathers and interacting with Eastern Orthodoxy, and, an early experience of God the day I “accepted Jesus into my heart” that has instilled in me a conviction of his omnipresence in such a way that is intimately connected with our life and being as humans.

At the end of the day, I find this paper terribly lacking. It does not cover all of my thoughts, show any of the exegesis, does not dissect or show how I have drawn from all of my patristic sources, nor get into many of the out workings of my use the seventh ecumenical council…among other things. It is also a faint sample of what is in my mind. Until next time. ;)

-AQ

The Sin of "Grace"

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But let justice roll down like waters,
and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

The evangelical world, broadly speaking, is in turmoil. At least, it should be over the rampant sexual abuse, exploitation and systematic dis-empowerment of women in their churches. In the words of Al Mohler regarding the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), “judgment has come.”[1] But this is not just a “Southern Baptist” problem. True, the SBC became what it is today through well documented conspiratorial power grabs, eliminating moderate dissent and promoting a male-only view of leadership (what could go wrong?), but they are not alone in the promulgation of their theology and misconduct.   

Maybe as a whole, we evangelicals are a mix of those who are horrified by the exposures (most recently out of the Southern Baptist denomination), those who are dismissive and those who are hopeful either because we have faced horrendous obstacles by abuse from our own or openly advocate for those who have. I tend to think we are finally at a point, comparatively, where our problems are more difficult to ignore, more difficult to further pile on those exploited. And yet, in the midst of this a haunting dichotomy lingers: judgment vs. grace. Didn’t Jesus die for the sins of the worst sinners? Didn’t he eat with the sinners? Wasn’t he the one that said, “go and sin no more” and desires us to have the same response towards the fallen?

I believe we fundamentally misunderstand grace and judgment if we see them as polar opposites or dichotomous. They are not.

There is actually a consistency between what God says he likes and dislikes and how he responds to others. The God of the Bible repeatedly makes it clear that he detests those who prey upon the vulnerable and promote injustice. He says that he is sick of the outward religiosity and that really didn’t change between the Old and New Testament. All of Amos 5 stands as God’s scathing critique of evil:

21 I hate, I reject your festivals;
    I don’t enjoy your joyous assemblies.
22 If you bring me your entirely burned offerings and gifts of food—
        I won’t be pleased;
    I won’t even look at your offerings of well-fed animals.
23 Take away the noise of your songs;
        I won’t listen to the melody of your harps.
24 But let justice roll down like waters,
        and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

 Then enters Jesus. The God, the Word, who “tabernacled” (ἐσκήνωσεν) among us (John 1:14). To put it mildly, he was not thrilled with what was happening in the temple of his day and he was not thrilled with the sins of the religious leaders. So often, the picture painted of the religious leaders vs. the people of Jesus’ day by evangelicals is one of stringent rules vs. people who are unable to follow them. However, this is not quite right.

Sometimes, those who are the most judgmental are the most willfully evil.

The Holy Elites vs. “The Sinners?”

Let’s take a look at how the biblical text describes these religious elites. Certainly they lacked grace for those “outside the circle,” but was their crime really their attempts to be holy? Was their problem really that they just had such high standards and no grace for those who couldn’t be as holy as they were? Not so much.

Luke 20:47 says they “devour widows houses.” They are identified as “children of snakes,” “evil,” “guilty” and will have to answer for themselves on Judgment Day in Matt 12:34-37. In Matthew 23 Jesus points out that they do not in fact “practice what they teach.” Instead, they crush others. They love the show of holiness, but they are really “hypocrites” and “children of hell,” “greedy,” “self-indulgent,” “lawless.” Sure, they love to do lots of outward signs for show—as do many of our “men” of God today—but they ignore “other aspects of the law—justice, mercy, and faith.”

Then lets look and see how they treated Jesus. Sure they claimed they were just concerned about the law, but most of their actions expose an underlying power hungry jealously to the extent that they are well known to have broken the law to get an innocent man, in this case Jesus, killed. And this was not the first time. In Matthew Jesus points out that God sent them prophets and teachers of the law but they killed some by crucifixion, flogged others in the synagogues, and displaced others. They “will be held responsible for the murder of all godly people.”

What about the so-called sinners Jesus ate with? True, often the crowd or religious leaders called them sinners but seldom does the text (with some exceptions such as the woman at the well or the later addition to John of the woman about to be stoned). However, these people are often extremely marginalized and made out to be the evil ones. And the ones who did have sin and were marginalized are invited into grace—to live on without sin—and change their life.

The Sin of “Grace” i.e. Injustice

The consistent voice of the Bible is that God desires the protection and value of those individuals society and even the religious community wrongly devalues. AND there is a consistent call for the exposure and displacement of those who prey on other people. But we have it all backwards, we heap rhetoric of “grace” without restitution on serial abusers enabling them to continue their activity and by extension forcing their victims to march on with the weight of their burden strapped to their backs. We enable abusive behavior and use perverse interpretations of Scripture to do it. We take the Lord’s name in vain. And those who have suffered? We decide what they really need is to “forgive.” That is the go-to. And by forgive we mean “moving on” i.e. not being hurt, angry or insisting on justice and even maintaining messed up relationships with abusers. We do not wish to hear of their anguish. It’s tiresome. And we feel good about ourselves because we have extended “grace.” But not for them.

The God of the Bible has consistently called for grace towards those who stumble and repent and doubly those who are exploited and marginalized. The God of the Bible has consistently hated serial evil aka abuse and injustice. Hate may be an understatement. The God of the Bible has consistently loved those who try and live a holy, righteous life in their interactions with others. He is a God of love and wants us to be people of love. Grace and judgment flow from the common fountain of divine love. And in the context of this discussion love means propagating justice in the every day. Jesus called out the powerful regardless of rank and attempted to shame them in public for clear, willful exploitive behavior and he physically sat with and ate with those who were not in the “in crowd.” He identified himself with them and identified them as the people of God (i.e. Sons or daughters of Abraham).

Church, go and sin no more.

 

[1] "Judgment has now come to the house of the Southern Baptist Convention. The terrible swift sword of public humiliation has come with a vengeance. There can be no doubt that this story is not over."

 

 

Surviving Psychological Warfare From Abusive People

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"Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

-Psalm 46:10-11

Initially, I did not want to believe what was happening even as I sensed it. What were the chances? And yet, I felt the threat in my environment before my brain could make all the connections. Once I acknowledged what was happening to myself, I quickly started running through my checklist of what to expect. I knew more than likely I would have no help, the wider group would turn on & try and punish me believing the abusive person in part or entirely. I also knew to expect to either eventually be eliminated (any reputation I had would not matter) or suffer for possibly years. Oh, and then there would be those instances that somehow it was my fault to X degree I was targeted and questions about forgiveness if I ever, ever told anyone about it. I was not so concerned with this part of it, I am frankly used to it. Still, one more thing to deal with.

I was scared. I knew what was ahead and did not want to go there, yet go there I was. Still, it helped to go in afresh already understanding some basic power dynamics and having some tools in my tool bag.

What follows are only some of my basic strategies for dealing with abusive people. More specifically, how to survive psychologically while being repeatedly targeted. "Targeting" is behavior that is ongoing (if not predatory), harmful and directed at you. The behavior can take the form of a person(s) continually projecting their insecurities onto you by continuously harassing, belittling, physically hurting, trying to humiliate, embarrass, isolate you and/or ruin your reputation. I've even had at one time someone follow me around and lie about me to everyone I tried to talk to as a new person at some point in life.

The goal of the abusive person is zero-sum: In order for me to maintain my image of myself, become greater or feel big you must be destroyed. It is a mistake to attribute this to insecurity. Rather, it is an inflated ego that must consume all in its path at whatever cost. It is about their need for power and control and they have targeted you as a threat to that. I do not have any special education in this area, only my own experience, and some informal research. Take my advice as just that and adapt according to your specific situation and seek professional counsel in cases of physical abuse. For prayer, more specific examples or strategies (including tactics) that are not included here please contact me via email: allisonquient@hotmail.com.

Before I begin, please note that I am absolutely opposed to revenge and believe you should, if you can, remove yourself from the situation or avoid these people! However, this is not always possible. Sometimes they will try and use people in power to try and yank you back into their clutches (or are the people in power). They may even try and follow and sabotage you. Apply the following as aids of resilience to help you hold out until you can escape:

  • Formation of Your Core

  • Being Still/Quiet Inside

  • Know the Board/Battle Field

Formation of Your Core

Understand that at its core the abusive behavior is about power and control. They want to have control over your person and identity so that they can be "bigger." You must have a strong sense of self to resist their advances. In elementary school, people with weaknesses are targeted for those weaknesses, but more often among adults, it is done toward those who are in some way or another perceived as "threats." More than likely you were targeted because you represent a threat, not because you are deficient.

A narrative of "deficiency" is a tactic the abusive person employs, not the motivating factor. This might be because you have something they want. Perhaps you are liked, talented, you threaten their paradigm, you are different in some way...etc. It could also be that they have this hole in their life and need to project their faults and motives onto someone else. In the case of bullying, statistically bully targets are independent, highly skilled, have a high level of emotional intelligence, altruistic, intelligent and otherwise well liked. I even experienced a backlash at one point because, in addition to everything else, I would not go along with at least three attempts of a targeter to smear a leader who was correcting this person's errors. Sadly, the favor was not returned by this leader when it was my turn. Regrets? NOPE. All of this to say, it is not you, it's them, 100%. Don't give equal validity to the characterizations of manipulative and abusive people.

Primarily, you are engaged in psychological warfare and must be resilient and established in your sense of self. Your objective once you know you are being bullied, harassed, abused: survive and continue your right to your vocational calling to live out of God's love. Let God be manifest in your situation and form you in the process of destruction (Seeing Christ in the Dark). If you cannot leave or remove yourself from the situation, think: You may do X to me but I will pray, be formed in the light of Christ and oppose you with all the means at my disposal. However, they will wear you down with their negative messages whether you believe them or not and you must keep resisting especially when they gaslight you or make you think it is all in your head (switching between them having your best interest in mind, but then again, you are just an "incompetent piece of crap"). This can also take the form of constant subtle messages that are highly contextual and will make you sound like a crazy person if you try and tell anyone else.

Clear the next several months if possible and figure out ways to lower the inflammation in your body (low impact exercise, massages, herbal remedies...etc), buy some food that your stomach can handle under extreme stress when you do not want to eat (ex: Miso), and you will probably need Vitamin B Complex (or nutritional yeast) in a few weeks. 

Over time you will start to not be able to recognize yourself as easily. You will be constantly on edge from hypervigilance, may have internalized some of the narratives, or started to act and think in ways adapted to a dysfunctional environment. After I had gathered enough information to know what was going on, develop and implement a survival strategy, I found I was still on edge and way too aware of everything around me. After several months this was unsustainable and I was drained. I had even absorbed another person's anxiety (INFJ habit)! It was time to consciously remember who I was and separate myself from what I was absorbing from my environment while still allowing myself to perceive what I needed to (contact me for details on how to create psychological boundaries).

That said, contact several friends outside of the situation who can remind you of who you are over an extended period of time. Be proactive now so you are in a better position to put up a fight because eventually, you will not be able to think as clearly. You are a human being and humans need community and belonging. Expect pain from extended isolation and personal attacks even if going in prepared.

As believers, our sense of self comes from our identity in Christ, our God who will never leave us nor forsake us and sees within us infinite value, worth, and dignity. What will ultimately keep you going is: 1) Hope, 2) A clear understanding of who you are and 3) conviction that you are not alone. First, recognize that this will not last forever and rest assured in God's future reconciliation of the world. Take a moment to breath realizing it may not seem like it, but this will not last forever. Our hope is in God's kingdom come and his will done on earth as it is in heaven. On this basis, we can pray for our everyday sustenance and survival in the here and now. God's hope is 'why' we can keep fighting and pressing on (Resisting Evil). Find passages to meditate on (Psalms are great) in times of discouragement and find liturgical prayers and icons for when you are run down, and your mind is less articulate (there will be physiological changes over an extended period). 

Second, know yourself very well. Regarding weaknesses, DO NOT let abusive people define you. They will twist minor things into major things and even make stuff up. They will block you from social resources and barrage you with crazy messages about yourself. It's their pattern. Expect it. Don't even take the time to consider the supposed "kernel of truth." If you need outside input, depend on people who have proven themselves to be friends calling you out when you are wrong and encouraging you in what is good. In other words, internalize NOTHING from an abusive person since their thinking and habits are distorted and unreliable. Do NOT grant anything to them and do NOT use their evil behavior as opportunities for reflecting on your faults. This also means having strong psychological boundaries where the abusive person's reactions are on them and you do not take responsibility in any way shape or form. Those of us who have grown up in abusive contexts often have what I call a rigid cause and effect type thinking. I spilled the milk, therefore, I am responsible for you flying off the handle. Or, you did X horrible things, I reported it and you got in trouble, therefore I am to blame for what happened to you. You are not responsible for their mess.

To complicate matters further, those around you will most likely turn on you, try and heap guilt and responsibility on you, and if someone is actively lying about you, others will most likely believe them! Expect it. Plan on it. Move your next several months around and plan out little retreats. If they have not completely bought into the abuser's narrative, they will at least think you are responsible for not defending yourself properly, for not just "ignoring" it, or you somehow had it coming in some way. Often the abusive person has sucked others into their constructed narrative about you to rationalize their behavior and sabotage you ahead of time. At the very least, hold onto who you are and don't get lost in the narrative yourself. Listen to God's voice in prayer and in his word and let him breathe truth into your mind when everything gets chaotic and distorted. 

Lastly, know you are not alone. God is with you. You must pray, and pray often because God will help protect and form your inner self during this awful time and because sometimes he will rescue you from the situation itself. Much could be said on this point (see my other posts). That said, get outside help in the form of friends, coworkers, people from church, family...etc anyone who will support you. Avoid like the plague those who have the knee-jerk reaction to assign you blame or add moral responsibilities of forgiveness, politeness or anything really while you are in the middle of fighting for your life.

Unfortunately, you must be calm, collected, outwardly snap happy and polite, but out of necessity so that others do not attack you, not out of moral obligation or imperative. I watched in awe as a woman who was still being harassed legally by a rich physical abuser (beat her up while pregnant with racial slurs) spoke to him on the phone. Think: fake Flanders family from the Simpsons. She knew she had to be polite, cheerful and careful otherwise it would be used against her. This is not something I do well as an introvert. When I am gloomy I want to be by myself and hide! Do your best. No one is perfect. Still, count on the abusive person using your "bad attitude" against you after they run you over for months or years. 

If possible get people who will keep you grounded, will concretely protect you, will help you navigate/strategize and will stand up for you if they are in a position to. You will need the wisdom of others to counteract the trauma or fatigue from having to be fake happy or calm for extended periods while fighting off the barrage of cloaked intentions, insults, overt aggression...etc.

 Being Still/Quiet Inside

Coming out on the other side of an anxiety disorder I have been learning what it means to be still and quiet inside in the midst of chaos, but as a healthy individual whose mind will not be flooded with abnormal amounts of anxiety outside of my control. In Psalm 46 it describes having a solid trust based off of who God is, the works God has done in the past and hope for tomorrow amidst poetic catastrophe. When you are being attacked verbally or physically, are having to frantically deduce pieces of gossip/lies being spread about you, or are shocked to discover you have been manipulated by someone, breathe. Internally take a step back and try and see the situation for what it is without panic. Your heart may still be racing and your head swimming because your body perceives a threat. You are being threatened and let your body respond accordingly. It is ok. You can be calm even while your body is flooded. Focus your mind on Christ who went before you and is beside you, the Spirit who is in and around you and the Father who loves and guides you. 

Directing your attention to God,  separate yourself internally from any lies, distortions or catastrophic thinking (hopelessness). Know that God is with you and on your side. Ask him for help and direct your mind to the "fight" part of fight or flight using your body's readiness for survival to your advantage. What can you observe in the moment? Do you see any openings or useful pieces of information? Become fluid and adaptable without fixating on disturbing elements. Survival depends on you being able to see the changing landscape and being able to change accordingly. You can be adaptable because your stable core is Christ and this will free you to let go of the fear in some moments and get things done. This also means being open to the Spirit's work and voice and following what is said. It also means reading the room and your opponent if you are physically or metaphorically fighting. What are his or her eyes telegraphing of their movements? If you fixate on the hand or foot coming at you, you will get hit. Look for where the abuser is going and react accordingly and wisely. Can you move out of the way? Is there a door near by? If it is the room you are reading, what do you hear or see and when? I was able to deduce some key lies being spread about me on time simply by noting silences, pauses and an innuendo or two and figuring out the themes/common elements. I was then able to figure out I was in danger, what I could counter and what I had to let go and move around. 

If you are being manipulated or harmed covertly, do not be given over to desperate moves out of panic. Calculate, but do not hesitate. Move when there is a clear or more reasonable path (you may need to use other people's minds to help you see clearly). And for heaven's sake, do not tell the villain of the story you know all about their evil plan! Sure they may have been doing this forever, and you will feel better and dignified in the moment, but it is better to keep your cards close to your chest. You may be able to out step them since you know their game. Think of it as a game. If you know how they will attack, you can be prepared and turn their attack against you against them. If you tell them what you know, they will try something else. Also, note that if someone is exhibiting predatory behavior (habitual + targeted) you will not be able to reason with them or confront them in a healthy way. You are probably high in empathy and just want peace. They don't. Don't tell them anything. Move out of their way and protect yourself instead. 

Also, note that outwardly you are not allowed to be upset. Is this horribly dysfunctional? You bet. Unfortunately, as the victim, being upset only works against you. If you are visibly offended, hurt, angry or sad often the group will turn on you faster and the abusive person will only go further in for the kill. It's messed up, but mostly true. Be hurt and sad with people you trust outside of the situation and bring it to the Lord. For now, push it aside to process in a safe place. Seek counseling if you begin to have PTSD symptoms resulting from this drawn-out encounter. 

Eventually, you will get worn out and it will cost you some ground. It's ok. Regroup, and fight another day. Try and take control of the moment when you can, but be prepared to play the long game. Many people beat themselves up about not having snappy comebacks to give to abusive people. I had tons of snappy comebacks this last time around (these people were not difficult to outsmart even without my resorting to insults or equal meanness). It didn't matter, they just went behind my back. Still, I was regularly able to take control of the moment and buy time in the long run. My aim was not to feel better about myself, but to buy time. I played dumb (What? You are speaking "covertly" about me in front of me??? I have no idea!) and wrote down their behavior for my own analysis and in case I needed to connect it to evidence later. Your advantage over most abusive people will be your ability to plan ahead, predict behavior (because you have observed their trends/patterns of behavior) and think several steps ahead to the future.

Know the Board/Battle Field

In any good strategy game, it is key to know the playing field and terrain. Know what areas are open for you to move to safety, what you can avoid and what you cannot. Use your flexibility to bend what you can bend and move around what you cannot. Know what areas your opponent is not prepared to fight you and try to move him or her to that place. You may even be able to bait them to move their attacks with a fake weakness you create over weeks. They will figure it out eventually, but you will have bought time and gathered more information. Sometimes you can get your opponent to move to attack a fake weakness. This can function to confirm their intentions in that in-between time when you feel you may be insane and are not sure if something is even going on. It can also allow you some breathing time if they were continually attacking a point of agitation.  

But first, you have to realize you are being targeted in the first place. This is difficult because often you find out late in their game. A recent bout I had was difficult to detect because it thrived in a culture of jokes and pranks. It was fun. To start with, those that know me know I tend to take very little personally (even when folks are directly and intentionally insulting). For a long while, I just didn't care and did not read in any malicious intent. However, sometimes the first clues are subconscious. At other times, you just think you are dealing with some other dysfunctional behavior and don't read too much into it. Either way, I still recommend not jumping to conclusions, but looking for prolonged patterns of behavior. Still, if you have grown up in abuse sometimes it is difficult to realize you are in it, even if the person is physically harming you. It may help to just look at the behavior patterns and separate your judgment from it so you can at least see that something is occurring: maybe they fly into fits of rage several times a week and blame you for a messy house that they had a hand in.

Once you have a sense of what is going on, do not try and confront them yourself. Statistically, this seldom works. If you have others who will back you, great! In most of my encounters or in those friends I helped, this was not the case. Still, do not try and just avoid them, they have targeted you and will continue to come after you. And beware of giving the metaphorical Hitler more tiny countries to appease his power lust. They will just keep after you and take more. A relative had her bully constantly trying to take her vacation slot not because she wanted/needed it, but because she didn't want her target to have it knowing it meant a lot to her. It was another means of control. Expect lots of little power plays aimed at making you feel worthless and powerless. Be careful with granting these because they will keep advancing if you give in, but if you fight overtly you will appear petty and unreasonable. 

By virtue of being targeted, you are starting out at a disadvantage. Their object is to destroy you and your object is to survive. Here is the terrain advantage you can know they have going in: 1) They have the element of surprise. If it is not physical abuse or done by a person no one likes, chances are they are good at what they do. It has probably taken a while to figure out what has been going on unless you are a paranoid disordered person yourself with a thin skin who sees threats under every rock and in every corner.  2) They are attacking you and using unethical means to do so (you are in the position of defense and must remain ethical). 3) They have probably already gotten others on their "side" through gifts, smiles, flattery...etc. Hey, they survived this long without getting the boot. They probably have some sense. And the sad reality is, people usually believe the lie.

Knowing the basics of your position, try and sniff out an outline of your situation including any particulars available. Who is the instigator? This may be several people. They may be difficult to detect since the group will often follow the leader and also try and clobber you. Sometimes you can figure out who the leader is by looking to see who people are constantly trying to please. Don't obsess too much. Know who is friends with who and see if you can win anyone to your side if you are not already too deep in and completely ostracized. Is there anyone trying to help you behind the scenes? How much? Are they friends with the people after you? Are people telegraphing information with awkward silences, pauses, intonation, avoiding eye contact? Are you being iced out? If you are iced out you know that you are now "other" and will probably not receive any basic rights, protections or human contact from them. They all probably "know" you are a horrible person. Try for resources outside of the group icing you out. Avoidance of eye contact often means they are trying not to identify with/empathize with you (but not always). Note this as well and see if you can make eye contact so as to humanize yourself in their eyes. Is anyone trying to help you indirectly? If you find someone like this try and use the tools they throw your way, but cautiously.

Know your own strengths and weaknesses early in the process (you will get disoriented later). They targeted you for a reason, consciously put your talents and abilities toward your survival. They may have the advantage, but statistically, you are probably smarter and more skilled than they are, USE IT. They also feel threatened by your strengths and sometimes you can use them to scare your opponent into exposing information or their moves. Be careful not to antagonize because it will not end well for you. Also, don't get too confident. It is more difficult to defend ethically and survive than destroy unethically.

However, the strength of your opponent's position is often secrecy. They thrive in the shadows and in distortion. Your aim as someone trapped if they will not leave you alone: expose them. Sometimes you can make them overextend their evil behavior into visibility so that you can get the attention of sympathizers (not always, be careful with this one). This one is tricky and should only be tried if you already think fast on your feet and don't mind taking some hits. An advantage of this strategy is that if no one comes after you, no one gets harmed. It also has the advantage of being more a matter of movement/arrangement of what your targeter is already doing to you and does not involve much on your part other than anticipating where they will step and constructing safety nets for yourself that will simultaneously expose anyone who tries anything.

Also, research some key features of people who do these kinds of predatory behavior (ex: check out the Workplace Bullying Institute). A big weakness your opponent has is that even if intelligent, they are arrogant. Hence the super-villain telling the hero their evil plan or the Riddler giving Batman clues in the first place! Look for mess ups and openings to expose their behavior either in the form of a log, trail (maybe you can find others or there is a record somewhere) or concrete proof. Maybe they will get too bold one day and you can point out their behavior without appearing to directly confront them. It helps to play dumb while you do this. It will only work for so long so choose your moments. Wait and collect information until you have enough so that it is difficult for leadership or others (who may not help by the way) to refute what they are doing or make you out to be crazy or "sensitive."

Try and figure out if this has happened before and what moves the abusive person made. Often they are not terribly creative (just enough) and will do the same thing again. I helped a friend navigate out of being targeted for firing by someone who wanted her job by 1) helping her identify the instigator from the group 2) separating herself from their narrative and 3) identifying his tactic so that she could be prepared the next time around. And he did make the same move again! The first time he did not succeed in getting her fired but did get 2 people to quit in her name, turn her friend against her and embarrass her in front of her leadership (she was his boss). Next time around she hired people with qualities that would not easily turn on her and got in good with them. She was also successfully able to bring up concrete things to her supervisors about this person to get them annoyed with him as well (he really was a bad worker). Basically, she took steps the next round and he ended up getting the boot.

And there you have it, a sampling of what I have gleaned over the years. Again, note that I am not a professional and my advice should be taken with a grain of salt based more from experience and a theology background. My final advice for this post is again, try and leave if you can because if you are not a glutton for punishment, it is just not worth it. Still, if you are going to leave play the game before you can get out.

AQ

[P.S. This barely scratches the surface as I have already long ago anticipated possible recon & vetted what I share here.]