The Sin of "Grace"

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But let justice roll down like waters,
and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

The evangelical world, broadly speaking, is in turmoil. At least, it should be over the rampant sexual abuse, exploitation and systematic dis-empowerment of women in their churches. In the words of Al Mohler regarding the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), “judgment has come.”[1] But this is not just a “Southern Baptist” problem. True, the SBC became what it is today through well documented conspiratorial power grabs, eliminating moderate dissent and promoting a male-only view of leadership (what could go wrong?), but they are not alone in the promulgation of their theology and misconduct.   

Maybe as a whole, we evangelicals are a mix of those who are horrified by the exposures (most recently out of the Southern Baptist denomination), those who are dismissive and those who are hopeful either because we have faced horrendous obstacles by abuse from our own or openly advocate for those who have. I tend to think we are finally at a point, comparatively, where our problems are more difficult to ignore, more difficult to further pile on those exploited. And yet, in the midst of this a haunting dichotomy lingers: judgment vs. grace. Didn’t Jesus die for the sins of the worst sinners? Didn’t he eat with the sinners? Wasn’t he the one that said, “go and sin no more” and desires us to have the same response towards the fallen?

I believe we fundamentally misunderstand grace and judgment if we see them as polar opposites or dichotomous. They are not.

There is actually a consistency between what God says he likes and dislikes and how he responds to others. The God of the Bible repeatedly makes it clear that he detests those who prey upon the vulnerable and promote injustice. He says that he is sick of the outward religiosity and that really didn’t change between the Old and New Testament. All of Amos 5 stands as God’s scathing critique of evil:

21 I hate, I reject your festivals;
    I don’t enjoy your joyous assemblies.
22 If you bring me your entirely burned offerings and gifts of food—
        I won’t be pleased;
    I won’t even look at your offerings of well-fed animals.
23 Take away the noise of your songs;
        I won’t listen to the melody of your harps.
24 But let justice roll down like waters,
        and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

 Then enters Jesus. The God, the Word, who “tabernacled” (ἐσκήνωσεν) among us (John 1:14). To put it mildly, he was not thrilled with what was happening in the temple of his day and he was not thrilled with the sins of the religious leaders. So often, the picture painted of the religious leaders vs. the people of Jesus’ day by evangelicals is one of stringent rules vs. people who are unable to follow them. However, this is not quite right.

Sometimes, those who are the most judgmental are the most willfully evil.

The Holy Elites vs. “The Sinners?”

Let’s take a look at how the biblical text describes these religious elites. Certainly they lacked grace for those “outside the circle,” but was their crime really their attempts to be holy? Was their problem really that they just had such high standards and no grace for those who couldn’t be as holy as they were? Not so much.

Luke 20:47 says they “devour widows houses.” They are identified as “children of snakes,” “evil,” “guilty” and will have to answer for themselves on Judgment Day in Matt 12:34-37. In Matthew 23 Jesus points out that they do not in fact “practice what they teach.” Instead, they crush others. They love the show of holiness, but they are really “hypocrites” and “children of hell,” “greedy,” “self-indulgent,” “lawless.” Sure, they love to do lots of outward signs for show—as do many of our “men” of God today—but they ignore “other aspects of the law—justice, mercy, and faith.”

Then lets look and see how they treated Jesus. Sure they claimed they were just concerned about the law, but most of their actions expose an underlying power hungry jealously to the extent that they are well known to have broken the law to get an innocent man, in this case Jesus, killed. And this was not the first time. In Matthew Jesus points out that God sent them prophets and teachers of the law but they killed some by crucifixion, flogged others in the synagogues, and displaced others. They “will be held responsible for the murder of all godly people.”

What about the so-called sinners Jesus ate with? True, often the crowd or religious leaders called them sinners but seldom does the text (with some exceptions such as the woman at the well or the later addition to John of the woman about to be stoned). However, these people are often extremely marginalized and made out to be the evil ones. And the ones who did have sin and were marginalized are invited into grace—to live on without sin—and change their life.

The Sin of “Grace” i.e. Injustice

The consistent voice of the Bible is that God desires the protection and value of those individuals society and even the religious community wrongly devalues. AND there is a consistent call for the exposure and displacement of those who prey on other people. But we have it all backwards, we heap rhetoric of “grace” without restitution on serial abusers enabling them to continue their activity and by extension forcing their victims to march on with the weight of their burden strapped to their backs. We enable abusive behavior and use perverse interpretations of Scripture to do it. We take the Lord’s name in vain. And those who have suffered? We decide what they really need is to “forgive.” That is the go-to. And by forgive we mean “moving on” i.e. not being hurt, angry or insisting on justice and even maintaining messed up relationships with abusers. We do not wish to hear of their anguish. It’s tiresome. And we feel good about ourselves because we have extended “grace.” But not for them.

The God of the Bible has consistently called for grace towards those who stumble and repent and doubly those who are exploited and marginalized. The God of the Bible has consistently hated serial evil aka abuse and injustice. Hate may be an understatement. The God of the Bible has consistently loved those who try and live a holy, righteous life in their interactions with others. He is a God of love and wants us to be people of love. Grace and judgment flow from the common fountain of divine love. And in the context of this discussion love means propagating justice in the every day. Jesus called out the powerful regardless of rank and attempted to shame them in public for clear, willful exploitive behavior and he physically sat with and ate with those who were not in the “in crowd.” He identified himself with them and identified them as the people of God (i.e. Sons or daughters of Abraham).

Church, go and sin no more.

 

[1] "Judgment has now come to the house of the Southern Baptist Convention. The terrible swift sword of public humiliation has come with a vengeance. There can be no doubt that this story is not over."

 

 

Let There Be Light

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Stalking projections, anxious, you've begun—

Implement your “grand schemes,” ready the knife

Speak deceptively into the void—

What you meant to destroy he breathes his life.

 

“Let there be light,” Redemption parts your sea

Scattering the darkness before my path

The Man of Sorrows walks alongside me

His narrative renaming Satan’s wrath.

 

The eyes of the Lord see your violent heart

But darkness illuminated turns bright

Painted into him, recreated art

Hope manifested in the darkest night.

 

Grace dawns, encompassing all in its light

Sin’s spiral fading, collapsing figments

Hope born of Eve out of Satan’s blight

Transfiguration of life contingent.

 

Don’t you know, our lives are fleeting?

A breath—

A moment in time—

After all, our ‘end’ in him redeeming

His breath—

His love poured, sublime—

 

Oh, that veiled face, history’s dawn!

Joy emanating, He runs. For “It is done!”

 

--AQ©

Surviving Psychological Warfare From Abusive People

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"Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

-Psalm 46:10-11

Initially, I did not want to believe what was happening even as I sensed it. What were the chances? And yet, I felt the threat in my environment before my brain could make all the connections. Once I acknowledged what was happening to myself, I quickly started running through my checklist of what to expect. I knew more than likely I would have no help, the wider group would turn on & try and punish me believing the abusive person in part or entirely. I also knew to expect to either eventually be eliminated (any reputation I had would not matter) or suffer for possibly years. Oh, and then there would be those instances that somehow it was my fault to X degree I was targeted and questions about forgiveness if I ever, ever told anyone about it. I was not so concerned with this part of it, I am frankly used to it. Still, one more thing to deal with.

I was scared. I knew what was ahead and did not want to go there, yet go there I was. Still, it helped to go in afresh already understanding some basic power dynamics and having some tools in my tool bag.

What follows are only some of my basic strategies for dealing with abusive people. More specifically, how to survive psychologically while being repeatedly targeted. "Targeting" is behavior that is ongoing (if not predatory), harmful and directed at you. The behavior can take the form of a person(s) continually projecting their insecurities onto you by continuously harassing, belittling, physically hurting, trying to humiliate, embarrass, isolate you and/or ruin your reputation. I've even had at one time someone follow me around and lie about me to everyone I tried to talk to as a new person at some point in life.

The goal of the abusive person is zero-sum: In order for me to maintain my image of myself, become greater or feel big you must be destroyed. It is a mistake to attribute this to insecurity. Rather, it is an inflated ego that must consume all in its path at whatever cost. It is about their need for power and control and they have targeted you as a threat to that. I do not have any special education in this area, only my own experience, and some informal research. Take my advice as just that and adapt according to your specific situation and seek professional counsel in cases of physical abuse. For prayer, more specific examples or strategies (including tactics) that are not included here please contact me via email: allisonquient@hotmail.com.

Before I begin, please note that I am absolutely opposed to revenge and believe you should, if you can, remove yourself from the situation or avoid these people! However, this is not always possible. Sometimes they will try and use people in power to try and yank you back into their clutches (or are the people in power). They may even try and follow and sabotage you. Apply the following as aids of resilience to help you hold out until you can escape:

  • Formation of Your Core

  • Being Still/Quiet Inside

  • Know the Board/Battle Field

Formation of Your Core

Understand that at its core the abusive behavior is about power and control. They want to have control over your person and identity so that they can be "bigger." You must have a strong sense of self to resist their advances. In elementary school, people with weaknesses are targeted for those weaknesses, but more often among adults, it is done toward those who are in some way or another perceived as "threats." More than likely you were targeted because you represent a threat, not because you are deficient.

A narrative of "deficiency" is a tactic the abusive person employs, not the motivating factor. This might be because you have something they want. Perhaps you are liked, talented, you threaten their paradigm, you are different in some way...etc. It could also be that they have this hole in their life and need to project their faults and motives onto someone else. In the case of bullying, statistically bully targets are independent, highly skilled, have a high level of emotional intelligence, altruistic, intelligent and otherwise well liked. I even experienced a backlash at one point because, in addition to everything else, I would not go along with at least three attempts of a targeter to smear a leader who was correcting this person's errors. Sadly, the favor was not returned by this leader when it was my turn. Regrets? NOPE. All of this to say, it is not you, it's them, 100%. Don't give equal validity to the characterizations of manipulative and abusive people.

Primarily, you are engaged in psychological warfare and must be resilient and established in your sense of self. Your objective once you know you are being bullied, harassed, abused: survive and continue your right to your vocational calling to live out of God's love. Let God be manifest in your situation and form you in the process of destruction (Seeing Christ in the Dark). If you cannot leave or remove yourself from the situation, think: You may do X to me but I will pray, be formed in the light of Christ and oppose you with all the means at my disposal. However, they will wear you down with their negative messages whether you believe them or not and you must keep resisting especially when they gaslight you or make you think it is all in your head (switching between them having your best interest in mind, but then again, you are just an "incompetent piece of crap"). This can also take the form of constant subtle messages that are highly contextual and will make you sound like a crazy person if you try and tell anyone else.

Clear the next several months if possible and figure out ways to lower the inflammation in your body (low impact exercise, massages, herbal remedies...etc), buy some food that your stomach can handle under extreme stress when you do not want to eat (ex: Miso), and you will probably need Vitamin B Complex (or nutritional yeast) in a few weeks. 

Over time you will start to not be able to recognize yourself as easily. You will be constantly on edge from hypervigilance, may have internalized some of the narratives, or started to act and think in ways adapted to a dysfunctional environment. After I had gathered enough information to know what was going on, develop and implement a survival strategy, I found I was still on edge and way too aware of everything around me. After several months this was unsustainable and I was drained. I had even absorbed another person's anxiety (INFJ habit)! It was time to consciously remember who I was and separate myself from what I was absorbing from my environment while still allowing myself to perceive what I needed to (contact me for details on how to create psychological boundaries).

That said, contact several friends outside of the situation who can remind you of who you are over an extended period of time. Be proactive now so you are in a better position to put up a fight because eventually, you will not be able to think as clearly. You are a human being and humans need community and belonging. Expect pain from extended isolation and personal attacks even if going in prepared.

As believers, our sense of self comes from our identity in Christ, our God who will never leave us nor forsake us and sees within us infinite value, worth, and dignity. What will ultimately keep you going is: 1) Hope, 2) A clear understanding of who you are and 3) conviction that you are not alone. First, recognize that this will not last forever and rest assured in God's future reconciliation of the world. Take a moment to breath realizing it may not seem like it, but this will not last forever. Our hope is in God's kingdom come and his will done on earth as it is in heaven. On this basis, we can pray for our everyday sustenance and survival in the here and now. God's hope is 'why' we can keep fighting and pressing on (Resisting Evil). Find passages to meditate on (Psalms are great) in times of discouragement and find liturgical prayers and icons for when you are run down, and your mind is less articulate (there will be physiological changes over an extended period). 

Second, know yourself very well. Regarding weaknesses, DO NOT let abusive people define you. They will twist minor things into major things and even make stuff up. They will block you from social resources and barrage you with crazy messages about yourself. It's their pattern. Expect it. Don't even take the time to consider the supposed "kernel of truth." If you need outside input, depend on people who have proven themselves to be friends calling you out when you are wrong and encouraging you in what is good. In other words, internalize NOTHING from an abusive person since their thinking and habits are distorted and unreliable. Do NOT grant anything to them and do NOT use their evil behavior as opportunities for reflecting on your faults. This also means having strong psychological boundaries where the abusive person's reactions are on them and you do not take responsibility in any way shape or form. Those of us who have grown up in abusive contexts often have what I call a rigid cause and effect type thinking. I spilled the milk, therefore, I am responsible for you flying off the handle. Or, you did X horrible things, I reported it and you got in trouble, therefore I am to blame for what happened to you. You are not responsible for their mess.

To complicate matters further, those around you will most likely turn on you, try and heap guilt and responsibility on you, and if someone is actively lying about you, others will most likely believe them! Expect it. Plan on it. Move your next several months around and plan out little retreats. If they have not completely bought into the abuser's narrative, they will at least think you are responsible for not defending yourself properly, for not just "ignoring" it, or you somehow had it coming in some way. Often the abusive person has sucked others into their constructed narrative about you to rationalize their behavior and sabotage you ahead of time. At the very least, hold onto who you are and don't get lost in the narrative yourself. Listen to God's voice in prayer and in his word and let him breathe truth into your mind when everything gets chaotic and distorted. 

Lastly, know you are not alone. God is with you. You must pray, and pray often because God will help protect and form your inner self during this awful time and because sometimes he will rescue you from the situation itself. Much could be said on this point (see my other posts). That said, get outside help in the form of friends, coworkers, people from church, family...etc anyone who will support you. Avoid like the plague those who have the knee-jerk reaction to assign you blame or add moral responsibilities of forgiveness, politeness or anything really while you are in the middle of fighting for your life.

Unfortunately, you must be calm, collected, outwardly snap happy and polite, but out of necessity so that others do not attack you, not out of moral obligation or imperative. I watched in awe as a woman who was still being harassed legally by a rich physical abuser (beat her up while pregnant with racial slurs) spoke to him on the phone. Think: fake Flanders family from the Simpsons. She knew she had to be polite, cheerful and careful otherwise it would be used against her. This is not something I do well as an introvert. When I am gloomy I want to be by myself and hide! Do your best. No one is perfect. Still, count on the abusive person using your "bad attitude" against you after they run you over for months or years. 

If possible get people who will keep you grounded, will concretely protect you, will help you navigate/strategize and will stand up for you if they are in a position to. You will need the wisdom of others to counteract the trauma or fatigue from having to be fake happy or calm for extended periods while fighting off the barrage of cloaked intentions, insults, overt aggression...etc.

 Being Still/Quiet Inside

Coming out on the other side of an anxiety disorder I have been learning what it means to be still and quiet inside in the midst of chaos, but as a healthy individual whose mind will not be flooded with abnormal amounts of anxiety outside of my control. In Psalm 46 it describes having a solid trust based off of who God is, the works God has done in the past and hope for tomorrow amidst poetic catastrophe. When you are being attacked verbally or physically, are having to frantically deduce pieces of gossip/lies being spread about you, or are shocked to discover you have been manipulated by someone, breathe. Internally take a step back and try and see the situation for what it is without panic. Your heart may still be racing and your head swimming because your body perceives a threat. You are being threatened and let your body respond accordingly. It is ok. You can be calm even while your body is flooded. Focus your mind on Christ who went before you and is beside you, the Spirit who is in and around you and the Father who loves and guides you. 

Directing your attention to God,  separate yourself internally from any lies, distortions or catastrophic thinking (hopelessness). Know that God is with you and on your side. Ask him for help and direct your mind to the "fight" part of fight or flight using your body's readiness for survival to your advantage. What can you observe in the moment? Do you see any openings or useful pieces of information? Become fluid and adaptable without fixating on disturbing elements. Survival depends on you being able to see the changing landscape and being able to change accordingly. You can be adaptable because your stable core is Christ and this will free you to let go of the fear in some moments and get things done. This also means being open to the Spirit's work and voice and following what is said. It also means reading the room and your opponent if you are physically or metaphorically fighting. What are his or her eyes telegraphing of their movements? If you fixate on the hand or foot coming at you, you will get hit. Look for where the abuser is going and react accordingly and wisely. Can you move out of the way? Is there a door near by? If it is the room you are reading, what do you hear or see and when? I was able to deduce some key lies being spread about me on time simply by noting silences, pauses and an innuendo or two and figuring out the themes/common elements. I was then able to figure out I was in danger, what I could counter and what I had to let go and move around. 

If you are being manipulated or harmed covertly, do not be given over to desperate moves out of panic. Calculate, but do not hesitate. Move when there is a clear or more reasonable path (you may need to use other people's minds to help you see clearly). And for heaven's sake, do not tell the villain of the story you know all about their evil plan! Sure they may have been doing this forever, and you will feel better and dignified in the moment, but it is better to keep your cards close to your chest. You may be able to out step them since you know their game. Think of it as a game. If you know how they will attack, you can be prepared and turn their attack against you against them. If you tell them what you know, they will try something else. Also, note that if someone is exhibiting predatory behavior (habitual + targeted) you will not be able to reason with them or confront them in a healthy way. You are probably high in empathy and just want peace. They don't. Don't tell them anything. Move out of their way and protect yourself instead. 

Also, note that outwardly you are not allowed to be upset. Is this horribly dysfunctional? You bet. Unfortunately, as the victim, being upset only works against you. If you are visibly offended, hurt, angry or sad often the group will turn on you faster and the abusive person will only go further in for the kill. It's messed up, but mostly true. Be hurt and sad with people you trust outside of the situation and bring it to the Lord. For now, push it aside to process in a safe place. Seek counseling if you begin to have PTSD symptoms resulting from this drawn-out encounter. 

Eventually, you will get worn out and it will cost you some ground. It's ok. Regroup, and fight another day. Try and take control of the moment when you can, but be prepared to play the long game. Many people beat themselves up about not having snappy comebacks to give to abusive people. I had tons of snappy comebacks this last time around (these people were not difficult to outsmart even without my resorting to insults or equal meanness). It didn't matter, they just went behind my back. Still, I was regularly able to take control of the moment and buy time in the long run. My aim was not to feel better about myself, but to buy time. I played dumb (What? You are speaking "covertly" about me in front of me??? I have no idea!) and wrote down their behavior for my own analysis and in case I needed to connect it to evidence later. Your advantage over most abusive people will be your ability to plan ahead, predict behavior (because you have observed their trends/patterns of behavior) and think several steps ahead to the future.

Know the Board/Battle Field

In any good strategy game, it is key to know the playing field and terrain. Know what areas are open for you to move to safety, what you can avoid and what you cannot. Use your flexibility to bend what you can bend and move around what you cannot. Know what areas your opponent is not prepared to fight you and try to move him or her to that place. You may even be able to bait them to move their attacks with a fake weakness you create over weeks. They will figure it out eventually, but you will have bought time and gathered more information. Sometimes you can get your opponent to move to attack a fake weakness. This can function to confirm their intentions in that in-between time when you feel you may be insane and are not sure if something is even going on. It can also allow you some breathing time if they were continually attacking a point of agitation.  

But first, you have to realize you are being targeted in the first place. This is difficult because often you find out late in their game. A recent bout I had was difficult to detect because it thrived in a culture of jokes and pranks. It was fun. To start with, those that know me know I tend to take very little personally (even when folks are directly and intentionally insulting). For a long while, I just didn't care and did not read in any malicious intent. However, sometimes the first clues are subconscious. At other times, you just think you are dealing with some other dysfunctional behavior and don't read too much into it. Either way, I still recommend not jumping to conclusions, but looking for prolonged patterns of behavior. Still, if you have grown up in abuse sometimes it is difficult to realize you are in it, even if the person is physically harming you. It may help to just look at the behavior patterns and separate your judgment from it so you can at least see that something is occurring: maybe they fly into fits of rage several times a week and blame you for a messy house that they had a hand in.

Once you have a sense of what is going on, do not try and confront them yourself. Statistically, this seldom works. If you have others who will back you, great! In most of my encounters or in those friends I helped, this was not the case. Still, do not try and just avoid them, they have targeted you and will continue to come after you. And beware of giving the metaphorical Hitler more tiny countries to appease his power lust. They will just keep after you and take more. A relative had her bully constantly trying to take her vacation slot not because she wanted/needed it, but because she didn't want her target to have it knowing it meant a lot to her. It was another means of control. Expect lots of little power plays aimed at making you feel worthless and powerless. Be careful with granting these because they will keep advancing if you give in, but if you fight overtly you will appear petty and unreasonable. 

By virtue of being targeted, you are starting out at a disadvantage. Their object is to destroy you and your object is to survive. Here is the terrain advantage you can know they have going in: 1) They have the element of surprise. If it is not physical abuse or done by a person no one likes, chances are they are good at what they do. It has probably taken a while to figure out what has been going on unless you are a paranoid disordered person yourself with a thin skin who sees threats under every rock and in every corner.  2) They are attacking you and using unethical means to do so (you are in the position of defense and must remain ethical). 3) They have probably already gotten others on their "side" through gifts, smiles, flattery...etc. Hey, they survived this long without getting the boot. They probably have some sense. And the sad reality is, people usually believe the lie.

Knowing the basics of your position, try and sniff out an outline of your situation including any particulars available. Who is the instigator? This may be several people. They may be difficult to detect since the group will often follow the leader and also try and clobber you. Sometimes you can figure out who the leader is by looking to see who people are constantly trying to please. Don't obsess too much. Know who is friends with who and see if you can win anyone to your side if you are not already too deep in and completely ostracized. Is there anyone trying to help you behind the scenes? How much? Are they friends with the people after you? Are people telegraphing information with awkward silences, pauses, intonation, avoiding eye contact? Are you being iced out? If you are iced out you know that you are now "other" and will probably not receive any basic rights, protections or human contact from them. They all probably "know" you are a horrible person. Try for resources outside of the group icing you out. Avoidance of eye contact often means they are trying not to identify with/empathize with you (but not always). Note this as well and see if you can make eye contact so as to humanize yourself in their eyes. Is anyone trying to help you indirectly? If you find someone like this try and use the tools they throw your way, but cautiously.

Know your own strengths and weaknesses early in the process (you will get disoriented later). They targeted you for a reason, consciously put your talents and abilities toward your survival. They may have the advantage, but statistically, you are probably smarter and more skilled than they are, USE IT. They also feel threatened by your strengths and sometimes you can use them to scare your opponent into exposing information or their moves. Be careful not to antagonize because it will not end well for you. Also, don't get too confident. It is more difficult to defend ethically and survive than destroy unethically.

However, the strength of your opponent's position is often secrecy. They thrive in the shadows and in distortion. Your aim as someone trapped if they will not leave you alone: expose them. Sometimes you can make them overextend their evil behavior into visibility so that you can get the attention of sympathizers (not always, be careful with this one). This one is tricky and should only be tried if you already think fast on your feet and don't mind taking some hits. An advantage of this strategy is that if no one comes after you, no one gets harmed. It also has the advantage of being more a matter of movement/arrangement of what your targeter is already doing to you and does not involve much on your part other than anticipating where they will step and constructing safety nets for yourself that will simultaneously expose anyone who tries anything.

Also, research some key features of people who do these kinds of predatory behavior (ex: check out the Workplace Bullying Institute). A big weakness your opponent has is that even if intelligent, they are arrogant. Hence the super-villain telling the hero their evil plan or the Riddler giving Batman clues in the first place! Look for mess ups and openings to expose their behavior either in the form of a log, trail (maybe you can find others or there is a record somewhere) or concrete proof. Maybe they will get too bold one day and you can point out their behavior without appearing to directly confront them. It helps to play dumb while you do this. It will only work for so long so choose your moments. Wait and collect information until you have enough so that it is difficult for leadership or others (who may not help by the way) to refute what they are doing or make you out to be crazy or "sensitive."

Try and figure out if this has happened before and what moves the abusive person made. Often they are not terribly creative (just enough) and will do the same thing again. I helped a friend navigate out of being targeted for firing by someone who wanted her job by 1) helping her identify the instigator from the group 2) separating herself from their narrative and 3) identifying his tactic so that she could be prepared the next time around. And he did make the same move again! The first time he did not succeed in getting her fired but did get 2 people to quit in her name, turn her friend against her and embarrass her in front of her leadership (she was his boss). Next time around she hired people with qualities that would not easily turn on her and got in good with them. She was also successfully able to bring up concrete things to her supervisors about this person to get them annoyed with him as well (he really was a bad worker). Basically, she took steps the next round and he ended up getting the boot.

And there you have it, a sampling of what I have gleaned over the years. Again, note that I am not a professional and my advice should be taken with a grain of salt based more from experience and a theology background. My final advice for this post is again, try and leave if you can because if you are not a glutton for punishment, it is just not worth it. Still, if you are going to leave play the game before you can get out.

AQ

[P.S. This barely scratches the surface as I have already long ago anticipated possible recon & vetted what I share here.]

Resisting Evil: Pt. 1 "Forgiveness" Versus Stepping Out in Faith

Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
Yahweh of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge.” Psalm 46:10-11

In my latest post titled Seeing Christ in The Dark I primarily reflected on how to live within and through the reality of evil in light of God's reality. One of my basic claims was that evil does not have meaning in itself, but does in the context of God's reality. God's reality fundamentally transforms our perceptions of the world and the evil around us. In this vein, I reflected on how the biblical world formed me through and in the midst of physical and psychological violence.

Now I turn to the topic of resisting evil within God's world. I approach this topic not from a triumphalist vantage point, but from the reality of having been crushed, unheard, and slandered to the extent that in my young heart I could not picture anything different in this life. But I also come as a beautiful work in progress by the crucified Christ who walks twisted paths with me. His life vivifies the present and, in him, anything is possible including the idealism this engenders.

Because God is with us, I encourage everyone to stand against evil to the degree they are able and be committed to suffering the consequences of it. And there most undoubtedly will be consequences. I also advocate a do or die attitude when it comes to standing up for yourseld and others making you a more formidable opponent. I like to think of it through the metaphor of my time in Judo class. In Judo practice you get slammed into the ground at high speeds constantly and you must keep getting up. Sometimes there is a sort of victory or defiance even in being committed to getting up when others would bury you or the person you wish to defend. 

However, a word of caution. "Resistance" can also take a variety of forms depending on one's place in the world. I have been in situations where I have had to simply exist in a social system or situations where I was constantly beaten down without any hope of coming out of it for years. The future was dark and bleak except for God entering into my situation and forming me in the process. I have also been in situations where I could overtly go against the grain. The Bible acknowledges both of these realities giving different directions on how to live in each (More on this in later posts). My general advice is to navigate the world skillfully (wisdom) and take a stand whenever you can and it makes sense to, committing yourself to the repercussions whether in the form of social ostracization, extreme stress or physical punishment. 

Additionally, for some, the conviction that one must resist evil may be functionally squelched in favor of a disposition where one always gives the benefit of the doubt to others--no matter what they actually do or who they hurt! This way of thinking tends towards putting huge burdens on victims to come around to the perpetrator's way of seeing things and tends to deny reality or sweep it under the rug (can't we all just get along?). Or, on the other end of the spectrum resistance is all-encompassing without space for other kingdom values. Whenever one feels slighted they think they must resist without mitigating it with the idea of turning the other cheek, not seeking revenge or even considering they themselves might be mistaken. As a general rule, I do my best not to assume malicious intent. If I see troubling patterns I take note but do not jump to conclusions. 

Now that I have introduced the general topic of discussion: resisting evil, I now turn (out of necessity) to that nagging imperative ever present in the evangelical consciousness when it comes to victims of crimes and slights alike--forgiveness. They may not know you well, but they know you must have a problem with it. What follows will be a consideration of what forgiveness is not, is and how one can resist evil by resisting shallow conceptions of it and by truly practicing it!

I. The Dark Side of Forgiveness (Narrowly Defined)

A. "Forgiveness" = Letting It Go?

Forgiveness, narrowly defined, is often weaponized against victims and those wronged. It is a tool that functions (whether intended or not) to silence and retain the status quo. It may not even truly be forgiveness the "teacher" is requiring of the person. In my direct experience, "forgiveness" equated with "letting it go" is often used as a tool to silence victims and often enables or embolden evil behavior (i.e. one can do whatever they want and be guaranteed the victim and everyone else's cooperation afterward). It also functions to prolong a victim's suffering and piles on unnecessary guilt. There must be something wrong with me because I am still devastated and angry.

Back when I was healing from physical abuse and warped perceptions, everyone would ask me over and over again if I had forgiven X. They assumed without evidence that: 1) I needed to forgive, 2) my primary need was to forgive, 3) I had this primary moral responsibility/burden because I was violated. They also assumed that because said abusive person and I had a highly shallow and distant relationship that it was evidence of my lack of forgiveness rather years of realization that said the person would continue to harm me and no meaningful relationship was possible. Somehow though, it was my "responsibility," having been abused over many years, to continually try and initiate unhealthy relationships.

"Have you forgiven him or her" is almost a knee jerk response in Evangelical circles. It is almost as though people can't help themselves. Even if they are savvy or compassionate enough to not make it the first thing that comes out of their mouth, it must come up! Now that I am 30 years old I know the drill. If something horrible happens to me I know to expect the following: 1) Someone will imply or directly tell me of my need to forgive, 2) I will have had it coming somehow even if the group denounces the action against me and 3) If I go against the grain or challenge the initial action it is very possible everyone else will turn on me for it. It is like walking through the airport at this point. You are in line, you see it coming and you start taking off your shoes, but not socks, take your laptop out of the bag and put it in its separate bin...etc. Basically, know what to expect and have a plan of attack.

If you are victimized, recognize this knee jerk response for what it is and move past it. Meaning, take a breath and understand it is their insecurity or weakness, not a reflection of your issues. If Jesus himself stood before them with holes in his hands and feet they would have asked him if he forgave his tormentors! If you are able, challenge it. If not, be polite, but do not internalize it. Having dealt with this evangelical characterization since childhood, I always know it will come up anytime I am significantly wronged or anytime I share my testimony involving abuse and am quite comfortable confronting it. It gets very easy over the years and usually the other person really just never thought of it from another angle before. They may not even know what to do when you calmly explain to them that you disagree with their definition of forgiveness and merely need to protect yourself from person X and harbor no ill will towards them.

Really, no one likes drama and in the aftermath, unfortunately, it is the victim alone who is often left to pick up the scattered pieces of themselves. When someone shares they have been raped, abused or bullied it causes tension and people do not always know what to do since something has occurred outside of acceptable limits creating disequilibrium. The victim who is still processing and navigating it is often treated as an additional and current disruption since the event already happened in the 30-second "past." And yet, they are living more vividly in the present than everyone else out of no choice of their own. Why can't the victim just "let it go?"

My advice from years of Bible study and personal encounters: Identify the reflex for jumping to "forgiveness" for what it is: Victim blaming. They see you or the person hurt as problematic or in need of moral guidance because they can't or do not wish to deal with the reality of what happened. Sometimes it is merely because they equate being "over something" with forgiveness and if you are angry, sad or unreconciled then you must not have forgiven and must need them to point it out to you. Sometimes they cannot imagine that one can go through what you did and easily pardon. Or perhaps cannot comprehend a full pardon within the tension of respecting oneself as loved by God and refusing to put yourself in harm's way again.

B. Resist their Paradigm

If you can, politely resist the requirement to forgive from the outside and all it entails (unless of course you have gone through an extended healing process and are still embittered and entertain vengeful thoughts). However, know that what you are doing is going against a narrative that says: because you were wronged, you have a moral responsibility and/or culpability. You are not responsible for having a good relationship with perpetrators and restitution is their job, not yours. Some of this surfaces in cases where women get severely battered by husbands (maybe their nose gets broken). They divorce him and yet are seen as the marriage covenant breakers rather than formalizing a covenant already broken (in the OT a woman whose life is threatened by neglect by her husband has grounds for a divorce). They are thought to be the ones in the wrong and are often told to go back and submit to the abuse or that they are obligated to get the relationship back on track--all couched in the rhetoric of forgiveness and wifely duty.

In the end, sometimes you may suffer more consequences by resisting their knee jerk reaction to assign you additional responsibility. Everyone in a group may try and gather around and pressure you to be in a relationship with an abuser and if you struggle with an anxiety disorder it means you may end up having to relive the moment some more because people keep bringing it up. Or, you could have to have your character smeared because you are now also "unforgiving and bitter." Maybe everyone will pity you because you do not recognize the error of your ways.

Maybe you have already forgiven the other person? Maybe you need to process the evil first so that it is named before you can forgive it? Maybe you are in flight or fight and just need to survive in the moment? At the end of the day, It's really not mostly anyone's business.  If you know you are in an unsafe context and there are no resources to protect you, you have a decision to make: do you say anything?

Whatever you chose, do not let "forgiveness" be weaponized. Challenge the paradigm outwardly if you are able. Or, at the very least, understand that forgiveness is your God-given birth right and is not to be equated with your silence, a fake smile, cheap substitute for healing or zen state of non-caring. Also, I recommend expecting and being ready for someone to bring up the issue of forgiveness. It will happen. It happened to me just recently after I almost finished this post. I was beginning to think no one was going to bring it up and was genuinely surprised. NOPE.

If you notice someone doing this to someone else, I suggest politely saying something like: "I understand you mean well [name], but there is no reason to think she struggles with forgiveness." Then quickly transition to acknowledging what the person wronged brought up and engage them on the subject matter rather than this other person's speculation about their character. If you can help redirect the conversation back where it should be, you will have resisted a victim blaming tendency and put the focus back where it needs to be: naming the sin and recovery for the one wronged. Of course, if the person wronged goes back to the issue of forgiveness that is a good thing and their choice. 

Finally, resist and do not accept apologies that are not genuine if you can survive without them. Sometimes people demand that you pretend their sin was other than it was in the form of apology. When you listen closely and their apology it may sound a lot like "you had it coming because of X," or "there are many different interpretations...I'm sorry you felt that way...etc." Don't do it! Don't accept the apology! We are taught as young children to reply, "I forgive you" when a playmate is insincere. I have heard many sincere and insincere apologies in life. I have stopped accepting insincere ones. Why? I belong to Christ and for their sake and recognizing my own value in God alone, I will not pretend. Forgive regardless of their insincerity again and again as many times as they wrong you, but if you can help it, do not play their game and pretend. Stand up straight and see them for who they are. The Bible has a lot to say on loving your enemies and praying for those who curse you even being overly generous towards them! Also be generous with the truth.

II. The Bright Side of Forgiveness: Forgiveness in God's World

Concretely, forgiveness is recognizing the sin, but not taking vengeance against the person(s) who did you wrong or harbor extended bitterness towards them. For example, there is a good friend of mine whose job was coveted by a wealthy coworker who conspired to get her fired and almost succeeded. He managed to turn all her other co-workers against her even a friend who became fixated on somehow finding "equal responsibility" since two people were involved. He even charmed those above her for a while. In the end, she managed out on top (sort of). She is still recovering from the horrific event, but God's reality is evident in her life because she had the opportunity on multiple occasions to sabotage one of the people who smeared her and she didn't--even as that person was still actively trying to sabotage her! That is God at work. Forgiveness does not equal "letting it go" or healing or reconciling, or trusting (except in God), but in acknowledging sin without holding it against the person. These other things may or may not follow from forgiveness along with time and a safe context.

Forgiveness may be given and then need to be given again if the other person wrongs you again or you find yourself falling back into patterns of bitterness or vengeful thoughts. In time, forgiveness, depending on the wrong and level of sanctification, may just become a state of being coming out of the overflow of your love for God and all he has done for you 70x7 regardless of a sincere apology. Jesus declared "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." God offered forgiveness to all of us through Jesus on the cross (while we were yet sinners Christ died for the ungodly) while we rebelled against him...and yet we do not all accept the offer.

Desire goodwill, but do not be deluded. Where possible reflect God's society by being reconciled, and where impossible protect yourself and navigate your unique setting with wisdom identifying those who will continue to harm you and those who won't. For those who won't let God's kingdom reality be evident through you, hold no grudges as you protect yourself. Be patient with yourself when you do not show proper deference, but strive towards it none-the-less. Still, forgiveness does not bow the knee, it pardons on a personal level (not institutional/legal). In everyday life, this means avoiding trash talking those who have trash talked you wherever possible. It means acting generously towards those that wronged you whether it is in defending them when they need to be defended (and are in the right), or it means not taking those opportunities that present themselves to act in kind (doing so is a sin against God). It also means ignoring many small slights and giving freely where it does not involve funding their sin further.

III. The God of the Impossible

I love C.S. Lewis' description of this reality in The Great Divorce. In it, one could take a bus ride from hell into heaven, but without guarantee, one will like it or want to stay. In it, a man is indignant because he discovers in heaven his loved one and the murderer of that loved one getting on as the best of friends without any care. In heaven, it is a natural relationship, but truly bizarre from other vantage points. I love this description because it portrays our future (not necessarily present). I believe we can reflect this reality just a little bit by letting the love that God has kindled in us continue to grow so that our heart leans fully in this direction towards this future. Lean towards this reality, but do not pretend this reality. Life is a series of tears and broken pieces and sometimes there must be a crucifixion before the resurrection.

God is indeed the God of the impossible. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. Because God has not held our wrong doing over our heads but has shown us his abundant love we can certainly show this towards others. Sometimes we are wronged significantly, and yet sometimes the other person acknowledges it fully, are horrified by their actions and pledge to never do it again. Recognize the manifestation of the Spirit wherever He is, even eagerly go looking for Him like someone in love. Know that We could easily be in this situation ourselves of needing forgiveness. This is an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, to move forward and restart new. This is one of those good things God has prepared ahead of time for you. Take it and be delighted with it! Do not feel superior because it is a gift from God to you. See Christ in them and be compelled with joy to be a small part of God's work in the world, being thankful. Act as though the wrong has never occurred where possible.

And sometimes all you can do is also refrain from evil. Forgive regardless of their insincerity again and again as many times as they wrong you, but if you can help it, do not play their game and pretend.

IV. Forgiveness Is Stepping Out In Faith

To forgive is to be vulnerable within the context of God's power. But in order to forgive one must oppose evil. Evil must be named for what it is and sometimes pardoned by one from a lowly position (the wronged). It means standing squarely against the powers of darkness, sanitized narratives, and those who believe violence requires violence and insults demand insults. It recognizes God's reality in the person doing evil and their potential in Christ. Often it means, though all appearance to the contrary, that you know God is present and at work reconciling the world. You can be a small part of it and represent his good will to others. This snatches power away from the perpetrator, evil within and from without and looks up to the Lord. It is the process of walking (as though a baby taking her first steps) through the waves and saying, "God, I am undividedly yours." It is being still in the midst of turmoil and acknowledging God is God.

Evil persists where it is not illuminated and exposed for what it is. In Ephesians, we are called children of the light. Be in close relationship with God and you just may be put in situations to expose evil. Evil that is exposed by the light, becomes light and this is a testament to God's power when you can expose it. Don't be surprised either if God acts on your behalf either! Once the night before I was compelled to pray for a situation by the Spirit and was told to step out in faith when I saw the icon of Peter meeting Jesus on the water. Bewildered I wrote in my journal: "I guess I will know what that means when the time comes???" The next day I had to make a difficult choice and saw it. It's enough to say events took a drastic turn. 

In line with my post on Seeing Christ in the Dark, I conceive of forgiveness and exposing evil as part of walking through evil, not in pushing it mentally away or ignoring its twisted reality or danger. It is our duty as believers to resist evil at every turn, illuminating it and exposing it for what it is according to our capacity. This is a worshipful endeavor that is part of our vocational calling to love and holiness representing God on earth. In this vein, forgiveness itself (though not exclusively) can also be an act of resistance against the powers that be. We belong to a different social and political system called the Kingdom of God that is breaking into our present and as such our priorities and dispositions must at times go against our context. They want us to be silent? We won't. They want us to take vengeance or turn the tables of power to our benefit? We refuse. As heirs of God's kingdom and image bearers representing God on earth we get to walk in forgiveness manifesting God's reality.

Forgiveness is a kingdom reality embedded in the reality of the transformative work of Christ in, around and through us. The world may require vengence or complacency, but we can step out in faith, joining Christ on the water despite the danger because we know who he is and who we are in him.

 

Until next time.

-AQ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still, watch your back!